Questioning Reality

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about reality.

I wandered outside today and sat in the grass next to our family dog. She was laying quietly and so I decided to just soak in the sun next to her. I laid down, closed my eyes, and began to focus on the warmth of sunshine. My mind drifted towards the idea of reality.

I thought about the reality around me in an immediate, physical context. In that reality, Queen (our dog) was laying next to me and it was a warm spring day. The birds were chirping and squirrels were running around with fresh spring energy.

Not knowing what I am sick with has been very difficult. It often seems to me that it would be less difficult if I knew what was causing the problem so then I could focus on the steps toward recovery. Not knowing what is making me dizzy allows for fears to creep into my head. Fears like that of a disease progressing to a terminal degree. If I have a terminal illness, is reality what the doctors' say? If the doctors say I only have months or weeks to live- that the illness is always fatal- is that what is going to happen? Is that reality?

Maybe I would pray for healing but the "reality" of the situation- what the doctors say- sinks in and I don't pray for healing anymore. I might think about what the doctors say and then say, "Let's be real here, I won't get better if I have a certain disease" or "Jesus could heal me but, in reality...."

 
I opened my eyes after a few minutes on the grass. Something was amiss. Turning to my left and to my right, I looked but could not find Queen. She had silently disappeared. It was still a warm spring day, birds were still chirping, and squirrels were still running around, but Queen was not there like I had thought. Ultimately, my perception of the immediate reality around me was wrong.

Isn't that so like us as humans- to think we always know reality?

I might have to live with this dizziness as a thorn in my flesh. God may use it for the rest of my life.

But the reality of this is that I am dying. It's true. I do only have a limited and short amount of time on this earth. We all do. We are all dying. Each day is one less day in our future and one more day in our past. It is a step in the direction of our own death. I hate to rain on your parade but it is true.

This sickness has given me a new-found sense of urgency to live for God.

Sometimes reality as we perceive it is not ultimate reality. The ultimate reality is that- even though our earthly death is nearer each day- life does not have to end after death. In that there is a peace from God that conquers all fear.